


Phantom of the S.O.L., Episode Two: "Disregard at Your Peril"

by dark_roast



Series: Phantom of the S.O.L. [2]
Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-14
Updated: 2006-03-14
Packaged: 2017-10-10 20:26:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/103921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dark_roast/pseuds/dark_roast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Episode(s) Referenced: General (circa Season Five); also the Vincent Price version of "House on Haunted Hill."<br/>Script format.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phantom of the S.O.L., Episode Two: "Disregard at Your Peril"

**SCENE: SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE**

_The bridge is deserted, and the lights are low. The Movie Sign light glows steadily. Gypsy enters, singing under her breath._

GYPSY: They're Wild Rebels, crunchy, fruity rebels; pouring milk on them is like shooting off a gun!

A shadow flits across the bridge.

GYPSY: Huh?  
SINISTER, MYSTERIOUS WHISPER: Sing for me...  
GYPSY: Crow? Is that you?

_Gypsy looks around, but it appears she's all by herself._

GYPSY: Crow T. Robot, you are supposed to be in the theater. Doctor F's gonna be mad at you!  
SINISTER, MYSTERIOUS WHISPER: Gypsy...  
GYPSY: Oh my!

_Frightened, Gypsy hurries off the bridge._

GYPSY: It's the ghost! Guys, it's the ghost!

_Another sinister shadow eclipses Cambot for a moment, and then is gone. The Movie Sign light goes dark, and the lights on the bridge brighten. Mike, Crow and Servo enter._

CROW(firmly): Joel --  
MIKE: Mike.  
CROW (in the same tone): I got something to say, so step back!  
SERVO: Again?  
MIKE: By all means, my little robot friend. The floor is yours.  
SERVO: New guy -- you've got no idea what you're unleashing.  
CROW (ignoring Servo, with gusto): Annabelle Lauren!  
MIKE: Uh... the lady in the movie?  
CROW: That's right, Tyrone!  
MIKE: _Mike_, Crow. It's Mike.  
CROW: She's not evil. She's just misunderstood. And I... love her!  
SERVO: Oh, for crying out loud!  
CROW: So she tried to poison Vincent Price. So what? That's just because he can't give her the sweet, sweet loving she craves!  
MIKE: Crow, it's not that I don't approve of true love...  
SERVO: Save your breath. Trust me.  
CROW (singing): Annabelle, oh Annabelle!  
SERVO: Hey! Soapdish Head!  
CROW (singing): Vincent shot you with a champagne cork, cuz he is a pretentious dork!  
MIKE: He didn't _actually_ shoot her, Crow.  
SERVO: Excuse me, _I_ am supposed to sing a musical number right now.  
CROW (singing): Annabelle, my Annabelle!  
SERVO: Has anyone else noticed a disturbing trend?  
MIKE: What's that, Servo?  
CROW(continuing to sing, obliviously): Leave the House on Haunted Hill, and I will give you such a thrill!  
SERVO (to Mike): Kim Cattral, Estelle, Annabelle? Am I the only one who finds this unsettling?

_Gypsy enters in a rush, and crashes into Mike._

GYPSY: Joel! Joel!

MIKE: Ow! Gypsy, geez! Get offa me!

_Gypsy flails around in terror and bonks Mike with her head, knocking him over._

MIKE: Yaah!

_Mike falls down behind the console._

GYPSY: It's the ghost! I saw the ghost!  
SERVO: Aaah! The ghost! The ghost!

_Servo begins to cry loudly, and bounce around as frenetically as Gypsy._

CROW (chattering rapidly): I told you, Mike. What did I say? It's the ghost. That's what I said, Mike. Just like I told you!

_Mike climbs up from the floor, and stands, brushing himself off._

MIKE: OKAY! Fine, Crow. It's the ghost. Don't you guys ever dust under there?

_As Mike is speaking, Crow whips out of sight underneath the console._

MIKE: I'm sorry I doubted you, but -- Crow?  
GYPSY: The ghost killed him!  
SERVO: AAAAAAAHHHH!  
MIKE: Stop it, you two! This is ridiculous. He was just --

_He looks around for Crow, who abruptly springs up into view again, wearing a fez and a large, bushy moustache._

MIKE: AAAH! Crow, for the love of --! What are you wearing?  
CROW: I am not Crow. I am... (dramatic pause)... The Persian.

_From offstage, there is a dramatic chord, struck on an organ. Mike glances offstage, startled._

GYPSY (admiringly): Ooh!

_Mike and Servo stare at Crow, and there's a moment of awkward silence._

CROW: That's me. Pretty much.  
MIKE: All right. You're The Persian.  
CROW: That's exactly right, Iolaus. I am... (dramatic pause)... The Persian.

_ Another dramatic music sting. Mike, Servo and Gypsy all look around in puzzlement._

MIKE: Ignoring for the moment that you swiped that joke from _Galaxina_, your suddenly being Persian means what, exactly?  
CROW: No, not just _Persian_. I am...  
SERVO: ALL RIGHT! WE GET IT!  
CROW: I am a master sleuth, and I am here to assist you in solving the mystery of... The Ghost.

_Another pause. Everybody waits, as if for an organ chord, but there isn't one._

MIKE: Okay, then. Good. Go to it.  
CROW: Right.

_Crow The Persian moves across the bridge, hunting for clues._

SERVO: Does this mean I can _finally_ sing my song?  
MIKE: Sure, buddy. Have at it.  
CROW: I would refrain, sir. You perused that missive from The Ghost. _Dire_ misfortune awaits you.

_Servo clears his throat._

SERVO (singing):

He was a boy  
She was a girl  
They were stuck in a crap movie!  
He was a test pilot.  
And she typed all day.  
What more a can I say?  
He hit his head.  
She screamed a lot.  
Somebody's severed head was stuffed in her purse!  
And there was a witch  
On rollerblades --   



_A huge crystal chandelier falls and smashes Servo. Gypsy and Mike leap out of the way in surprise. Crow, who is standing farther back, merely shakes his head and sighs._

MIKE (looking at the ceiling, hands on his hips): Where the Sam Scratch did that come from?!  
CROW: Now you have learned, monsieurs and mademoiselle... that you disregard the wishes of The Ghost -- at your peril!  
SERVO: Ohhh... augh... shut up, Crow...  
CROW: I am not Crow. I am...  
MIKE: That does it.

Mike grabs Crow by the fez and drags him off-screen.

CROW: Waaagh!  
GYPSY: Oh dear!

***


End file.
